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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Learning about Sex  

My band, after a gig, stops at Shoney's. Since there are about nine of us (actual musicians plus entourage), Management decides to herd us into one of the "private" rooms, away from the "normal" customers. As usual, the conversation turns to sex. One of the entourage/roadies, B, feels compelled to share with the rest of us how he came to learn about sex. This, in explicit detail, is the unfortunate's story.

B, as a child, used to help his grandfather on his (grandfather's) farm. One day, having on several occasions observed the bull rearing up and planting his forehooves on the back of a cow, B asked his grandfather what they were doing. Grandpa replied, "They are doing what is called 'sex'". B, having also observed the happy look on the face of the bull after sex, decided that sex must be a pleasant thing.

And so B, inquisitive devil that he is, decided that he would try sex for himself. He chose the most attractive heifer in the herd and approached her from the rear, as he had seen the bull do. B, however, discovered that, although young and in her prime, the heifer was already a tad too tall for him. Being not only inquisitive, but likewise resourceful, B surveyed his surroundings. Spotting a tree stump which had been dug up at some point and stripped of its roots, B determined that positioning the stump directly aft of the heifer, then standing atop it, would place him in a favorable position to mount the heifer, who was complacently munching grass. B procured said stump, rolled it over behind the heifer, set it upright, then climbed up on it - at which point the heifer walked away in search of tastier grass. B climbed down off the stump, turned it on its side, rolled it over behind the heifer, and repeated the process - including the part where heifer walks away.

B, becoming frustrated, recalled that his grandma would place a bucket full of cowfeed in front of the cows each morning when she milked them. The cows would then stand still as they ate while grandma did her thing. B, being the resorceful type, decided that, if it would work for grandma, it would work for him. So he went to the barn, got a bucket full of cowfeed, and placed it in front of his favorite heifer. And sure enough, this time when he rolled his stump behind her, the heifer continued to eat. And Lo and Behold, B had Sex! (Although I doubt that the heifer noticed.)

This was such a fantastic experience for B that he had to run and tell grandpa, who casually inquired, at the top of his lungs, "You F'd a WHAT?????"

Grandpa, just before expiring, explained to B that sex, although possible, is preferable amongst members of the same species, and even more preferable among members of the same species but of opposing genders (note to anyone offended by this statement : I AM NOT homophobic - I hate everyone equally. And besides, B was telling the story).

B then determined that he should find himself a member of the Human species, and of the opposite gender, and commit matrimony (and, being resourceful and not nearly as dumb as some of us give him credit for being, he did exactly that). As he describes his honeymoon (and I have no reason whatsoever to doubt this):

She said : "Baby, I'm going into the bathroom and get ready for bed".
He said : "Good idea. I'm sleepy, too."

But B, resourceful, Grandpa-educated individual that he is, knew that what She was actually doing was preparing for - Sex!, which B tells us was the best he'd ever had (you bastard! Did you even consider the heifer's feelings?). In his own words:

She came out of the bathroom with nothing on but a see-through bathrobe. But I was ready : I had a peanutbutter-and-jelly sandwich on the pillow and my stump at the foot of the bed!

(My contribution to this story : Sorry.)