Saturday, March 06, 2004


Back in the day, I occasionally mutilated...er, manipulated...the Truth:

Me : I used to be a lumberjack in the Mojave Forest.
Friend : Uh, the Mojave's not a forest; it's a desert.
Me : Well, of course it is...now!

Eventually, I realized what a fool I must have sounded like, so I decided that I would, from that point on, be completely honest, no matter the consequences:

Wife (sporting new 'do) : How does my hair look?
Me (being honest) : Like you combed it with a hurricane.

(Wife, Sister-in-Law #2, and I are observing herd of cows owned by S-i-L #2 and her Spouse, and tended by S-i-L #2, since her Spouse has a day job:)

Me : That bunch of anorexic cows belongs to you?
S-i-L #2 : You think they're skinny?
Me : It would take two or three of them to make a decent pot of chili.

Later, I discover Tact:

(Sister-in-Law #1 stops by for a visit. I am busily working at kitchen table when Wife and S-i-L #1 enter kitchen. Wife poses query.)

Wife : Whaddaya think ? (Wife is pointing at feet of S-i-L #1, which are adorned with a pair of the ugliest Jerusalem Cruisers [sandals] ever made.)
Me (using Tact) : Gotta be ten of the sexiest toes I've ever seen!

(We are in a lounge listening to Friend of Wife sing Karaoke.)

Wife : Doesn't she sing good?!?
Me (polishing Tact) : She sings loud!

(And later, having perfected Tact:)

Wife (referring to aesthetically challenged friend) : Doesn't she have a pretty smile?
Me (exercising perfect Tact) To Wife: She could be a model (To Self: For a Jack-O-Lantern!).

And so, as you can see, I am now a Master of Tact. If anyone is in need of lessons, let me know, and I will set up one of them there PayPal thingies.