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Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Dog 

Dog, who currently weighs around 14 pounds (having put on a few in her old age), is a ferocious beast who has kept Wife and Me as pets for the past fourteen years or so. Dog was grown (about 2 years old) when Wife brought her home one night, so I suppose that, in people years, Dog would be around 112.

Dog is actually a wimp (I just put in that "ferocious beast" thing in case she reads this, and to make up for that crack about her weight). Although Dog has a startlingly loud bark, most people who know her think that she is incapable of barking, as they have never heard her do so.

A gang of us are sitting around having some drinks one night. B (NOT the same B from an earlier post whose first sexual encounter was with a heifer) loves Dog, and he has her in his lap and is petting her, so Dog likewise loves B. I suggest to R (Wife of B) that she should slap him, but before I can explain further, R hauls off and lets B hold one (I somehow manage to convince B, who was busily petting Dog and doesn't have a clue what is going on, not to make himself a widower). I then explain to R that she must approach B slowly, and then just tap him lightly on the leg, rather than trying to render him unconscious.

R does as I suggest. As her hand approaches B's leg, Dog stops wagging her straggly tail, perks up (to the best of her ability) her floppy ears, and emits a low growl. R glances at me, and I assure her that all is well. R continues moving her hand closer to B, and Dog's growl becomes louder. R then taps B lightly on the thigh, at which point Dog barks loudly and nips at R's hand.

R jerks her hand back, covers it with her other hand (I never have figured out why folks do that), clenches her legs together so as not to pee on herself, and glares at me. I, like our other guests, am laughing anyway, but the look on R's face propels me to the verge of hysterics. R is glaring at me with eyes the size of saucers; she has her lips pursed (like she is considering saying "OOOOO", or something equally appropriate); and her jaw is working like she is trying to say something requiring a more versatile vocabulary, like that of sailors, but nothing is coming out. The reason I am slowly sliding out of my chair, not having the strength to hold on, is because the thought occurs to me that R looks a lot like the guppy in Daughter's aquarium.

I eventually recover enough to explain to R, when she returns from the restroom, that Dog, being a typical female (hey, hate email is better than NO email!), loves whomsoever is paying attention to her at the moment. I then convince R and B to switch places; R is now seated, petting Dog, who is perched happily in R's lap. Recalling R's initial assault on B, I caution B that retaliation could result in jail time. I then instruct B to slowly reach toward R and tap her on the leg. B does as instructed; Dog reacts as expected: low, gradually louder, warning growl, loud bark, and nip at B's hand. And Dog had just nipped at R for popping B!

I was next; same result (and I buy the bitch's dogfood! [Note to the uninformed: Female dogs are properly referred to as bitches; they do not consider the term an insult]).

Next, we fool Wife to participate in our little experiment. Now, you must first understand that Dog loves Wife above all else. I honestly believe that if she were capable of having a litter of puppies (...uh, Dog, that is - not Wife...), she (Dog) would love Wife more than puppies. So, when Wife extends hand toward R and Dog growls, Wife is somewhat offended. And when Wife pops R and Dog nips at her, Wife becomes downright homicidal (notice that I said homicidal, not canine-icidal; Wife wants to kill me, not Dog [???]).

Dog eventually becomes tired of playing, jumps down, and scratches on front door to be let out. Since I have the door open anyway, I decide to let guests out also. Eventually Dog comes back inside. Dog, Wife and I go to bed. Wife is still a bit miffed with me (because Dog nipped at her???), so she places Dog in the bed between us. Knowing Wife fairly well after (at the time) 20 years of marriage, I realize that chances are slim that I will Get Some tonight, so I roll over and go to sleep. However, a couple of hours later, I am awakened by the soft brush of long hair across my face! Ah! Wife has come to her senses (sobered up), and is feeling friendly! I immediately prepare to plant a kiss on lips of Wife, but for some reason, I decide to open my eyes first. The moonlight streaming through the blinds is just bright enough for me to realize that the hair which had recently brushed my face was not attached to Wife's head, but rather to Dog's tail. I also realize, too late, that the big, wet one I have launched toward lips of still-asleep Wife is actually a microsecond or so from landing on Dog's butt!

(Incidentally, there is absolutely no truth whatsoever to the persistent rumor that Dog has liked me more than she has liked Wife since that night!)