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Tuesday, March 23, 2004

The Perfect Marriage 

When they met and commenced dating, she determined that he was perfect: young, handsome, witty, wealthy, and he owned a large ranch. She decided to marry him, and so she did!

Less than a month after the wedding, the Handsome Young Groom (HYG) decided to take the Beautiful Young Bride (BYB) for a horseback ride. The HYG chose to ride the same noble, fearless, spirited steed which he had ridden since childhood; however, since the BYB was a (former) "city girl", the HYG instructed his stablemaster to select a more genteel nag steed for her.

And so off they set. Unfortunately, after several miles, they encountered a rattlesnake on the trail. The HYG's noble steed was unimpressed, but the BYB's nag mare was terrified; she reared up, dumping the BYB on her delicate BUTT (ass). The HYG brought his steed to a screeching halt (think Starsky and Hutch arriving at a crime scene). The HYG immediately dismounted and rushed back to check on the BYB. After determining that the BYB was uninjured, the HYG helped her back onto her saddle, smiling with relief. Then, as the HYG was returning to his own steed, he paused briefly to scratch the BYB's nag horse between the ears. Still smiling, he said calmly, "That's One.".

The ride resumed, and darkness began to descend. The elderly nag giddyup of the BYB, being somewhat visually impaired, did not see the pothole in the trail, and therefore placed her hoof squarely therein, tripping herself and propelling the BYB headlong onto the trail several feet (heeve? hooves?) in front of the pothole. The HYG immediately brought his own noble steed to a halt, dismounted, and ran back to the BYB, who was unimpaired, other than a slight bruise on her BUTT. The HYG helped the BYB back onto her saddle, smiling all the while. Then, as the HYG headed back to his mount, he glanced at the nag erstwhile filly which the BYB was riding, and, with his smile still in place, said, "That's Two.".

The BYB and the HYG turned back toward the ranch. However, darkness had almost consumated its descent, and the BYB's nag mount, being somewhat nervous about the prior two mishaps, was focusing her attention on the trail, looking for rattlesnakes and potholes. Therefore, the BYB's nag horse did not see the impending tree bough, which caught the BYB just north of the eyebrow and sent her (the BYB) sprawling rearward in a two-and-a-half gainer. The HYG leapt from his saddle and rushed back to the BYB, who, miraculously, was again unharmed. The HYG stood up, glared at the BYB's nag animal, and shouted, "That's Three!". The HYG then drew his pistol and shot the BYB's nag former transportation betwixt the eyeballs.

The BYB was appalled! She immediately began berating the HYG for his previously undisplayed cruelty and total lack of couth; the BYB even opined that the marriage itself may have been a mistake!

The Handsome Young Groom, smiling all the while, listened patiently until the Beautiful Young Bride ran out of breath. The Handsome Young Groom then, still smiling, advised the Beautiful Young Bride, while reloading his pistol, "That's One."