Friday, March 26, 2004

The Possum 

Two friends, T and D, discover that, between them, they have enough money to purchase a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. In fact, they have a few dollars left over, so they also acquire a bottle of that favorite of wine connoisseurs the world over, Boone's Farm Blackberry Wine!

T and D retreat to D's domicile, where they, in short order, dispense with the Boone's Farm. They are about half way through the case of Pabst Blue Ribbon when they hear a noise on the back porch. Suspecting a burglar, they arm themselves with the closest weapons available: T has a skillet (Teflon-Coated, Guaranteed Non-Stick), and D has a meat cleaver (Ginseu; "This thing will cut nails [see Infomercial], so just imagine what it will do to a burglar!").

T and D, after rattling every pot and pan in D's kitchen, flip on the porch light and burst forth simultaneously onto D's back porch, prepared to apprehend the burglar. They are surprised, and somewhat disappointed, to find only a possum.

T and D, finding no immediately available burglar, apprehend the possum instead and decide to hold a trial. D is the judge, T is the prosecuting attorney, and the poor possum is left to defend himself. Since T makes an air-tight case of trespass against the possum, and since the possum exercises his Fifth-Ammendment right and remains silent, His Honor D has no choice but to find the possum guilty. D passes judgement: the possum is sentenced to death by electrocution!

T and D find an extension cord, and, using D's Ginseu cleaver, they chop off the receptacle end and strip the insullation from the wires. They then attach the bare wires to the hind legs of the possum. While they are looking for an outlet, the possum walks off and the wires come loose.

The prisoner's escape only serves to increase the resolve of D and T. They recapture the convict and re-attach the wires to his ankles. T, eager to see justice served, holds the possum in his lap and advises D: "You plug it in and I'll hold 'im!".

The result is not pretty. There is a short, intense, bright flash of blue light. The initial surge of electricity courses through the extension cord, down through the possum's feet, and through T's 'nads. T, screaming loudly, flings the possum through the open kitchen window, causing the extension cord, which is by now welded to T's zipper, to become detached from the possum's ankles. D, concerned about his friend T, does not think to unplug the extension cord; instead, he rushes over and places his hand on T's shoulder, while simultaneously grabbing the bare wires with his other hand with the intention of removing the wires from T's zipper.

The possum reports that, as he ambled away, D and T were hopping around like they were auditioning for Riverdance, in perfect sync with the pretty, pulsing blue light!