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Saturday, May 01, 2004

Stress Test (Part III) 

I go back to see R (have I mentioned that R is a Babe?!?), who will have the results of my stress test. While I am waiting, I wonder why doctor's offices call you a day or two before your appointment to remind you of the time, then, when you arrive early for your appointment, it is usually 30-45 minutes past your appointment time before a nurse fetches you from the waiting room?!? (Even more curious is this insane notion that some doctors have about me paying them anyway if I fail to keep my appointment or if I don't cancel at least 24 hours in advance!)

Anyway, my appointment is for 8:30; I am admitted to a room at 9:20. The nurse advises that R will be in presently.

Approximately 5 minutes later, R breezes in, obviously eager to see me again! On my first (and only other previous) visit, R was wearing a long lab coat, a black frock, black hose, and black, business-like low-heeled shoes. Apparently having eagerly checked her computer daily in anticipation of my next appointment, today she is dressed far more sexily (for a doctor): short lab coat (!); and underneath, white mini-frock (only came down to mid-shinbone), adorned with colorful flowers; no hose, and sandals which reveal toes sporting nail polish that matches the color of some of the flowers in her mini-frock!

R: Hi, Mr._coll!

Me: Hi, R. You wanna check my...

R: Sit down and be quiet!

R studies my "chart" in her little portable computer. She informs me that the results of my "bloodwork" indicate that I am "doing pretty good for someone who isn't doing so good".

Huh?!?

While I am puzzling over this, R comes across the results of my stress test.

R: Hmmm. Your "ejection fraction" is only 51%.

Me: "Ejection fraction"? You sure that applies to my heart?!?

(R shakes her head, long brown hair swaying gently from side-to-side, long-lashed-lids squinched shut over pretty brown eyeballs, obviously distressed that my "ejection fraction" is below normal.)

R: 'Ejection fraction' refers to the amount of blood pumped from your left ventricle with each contraction of your heart! Yours is 51 percent.

Me: Whew! I thought for a second there that you were talking about something important!

R (gritting her teeth sexily): The test also indicated that you have scar tissue on your heart!

Me: Well, that's understandable. Being the sensitive individual that I am, my heart has been broken more than once...

(R apparently has circulatory problems herself; her right hand must have "gone to sleep", as she is beating her right fist on the desk in an effort to "wake it up".)

R: A 'broken heart' does not create scar tissue!

Me: Well, what does? A heart attack?

(R flings her hands up in the air and out to the side while arching her back, causing the front of her lab coat to open up. R is not only a Babe, she has a rack!!!)

R: Yes! When?!?

(R is beginning to come across as somewhat conceited. I've known many babes who like showing off their boobs, but most of them don't thrust said boobs out into the atmosphere, then holler "Win!")

Me: (transfixed) Win what?

R (for some reason puzzled): When did you have the heart attack?

Me (more puzzled than R): Say what?!? I've never had a heart attack!

R (exasperated): According to the stress test, you have scar tissue on your heart. It is therefore likely that, at some point in the past, you have had a heart attack!!!


(To be continued...)